Wherever you go, go with all your heart.

This story began as most stories do - with a journey from home. A step out into the great wide world. The heroine, seeking self-discovery, was full of dreams and eager for adventure. She wanted to experience life somewhere far from what she knew. But she realized there is a lot she doesn't know. The pursuit of knowledge has always been burning up her spirit. Read. Study. Listen. Watch. Learn. Absorb.

I don't want to say that I found myself. I don't want to say that I was ever really lost. But now that I am going home I feel like I'm returning to more than just a place. I don't know everything but I learned a lot these past six months. I know myself much better than before which is to say I know myself significantly better than before because I always thought I knew myself pretty well. Does that make sense? I also have a better idea about what I want.

“Heroes take journeys, confront dragons, and discover the treasure of their true selves.”-Carol Lynn Pearson

So, I am standing on the verge of another journey. The return journey. My skin is a little thicker. I have some battle scars. Some amazing tales never made it onto this blog. But isn't that how it usually goes? Most of the time I feel like my words are inadequate in relaying my experiences. My thoughts. My joy. My sadness. My desires. It would be impossible for me to share everything with you. But there are scenes from movies or passages in books that precisely convey what is rumbling about in my heart. Or head. Or a combination thereof. If you've been reading you'd understand me when I say that I have an affinity for The Wizard of Oz. I watched it a lot as a kid. So much that when I watched it yesterday it felt like déjà vu. I loved it before I ever lived in Kansas.



I leave the Netheralnds tomorrow, if all goes as planned. Like I said, my adventures are far from over. I'll continue to update here about the reverse culture shock and what not. Since I can't really put into words what I am feeling at this very moment about this very moment and concerning the culmination of the past six months, I'm including a few quotes I've collected:


•"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream." -Mark twain
•“The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes.”
-Marcel Proust
•“What is that feeling when you’re driving away from people and they recede on the plain till you see their specks dispersing? – It’s the too-huge world vaulting us, and it’s good-by. But we lean forward to the next crazy venture beneath the skies.” - Jack Kerouac
•“Being in a foreign country means walking a tightrope high above the ground without the net afforded a person by the country where he has family, colleagues, and friends, and where he can say what he has to say in a language he has known from childhood.” -Milan Kundera
•"So the tree rustles in the evening, when we stand uneasy before our own childish thoughts: Trees have long thoughts, long-breathing and restful, just as they have longer lives than ours. They are wiser than we are, as long as we do not listen to them. But when we have learned how to listen to trees, then the brevity and the quickness and the childlike hastiness of our thoughts achieve an incomparable joy. Whoever has learned how to listen to trees no longer wants to be a tree. He wants to be nothing except what he is. That is home. That is happiness."
-Hermann Hesse
•"Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not." -Ralph Waldo Emerson
•"No creature is fully itself till it is, like the dandelion, opened in the bloom of pure relationship to the sun, the entire living cosmos." -D.H. Lawrence
•"And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don’t believe in magic will never find it." -Roald Dahl

A wonderful world that is full of beauty, charm and adventure.

When I woke up this morning I did not feel like P. Diddy. I had Bruno Mars' "Just the Way You Are" stuck in my head, which is a wonderful way to start one's day. On the way to pick the children up for lunch the flawless Dutch radio played Cyndi Lauper blended into "I Just Died in Your Arms Tonight." Its been a great day so far and, with eight days left until I leave, I'm trying to savor all these moments. I'm already starting to sense how much I'm going to miss the children. I spent Saturday in Amsterdam (adventure post pending) and felt the first wave of what it will be like to say good-bye. But, if you read on, you'll see that my adventures will not end when I leave Holland.

Less than 24 hours after I land in Atlanta my dad and I are flying up to Minnesota to join my mom and brothers, who fly up on the 21st, for Christmas. My time will be split between our hotel suite and both grandma's houses. Guess who else is coming up?



Brandy is taking a Greyhound bus up from Kansas City to join me for New Year's in the "Land of 10,000 Lakes." (Thanks, Mom!) As you can see, we're incredibly excited. To celebrate the fact that we'll see each other for the first time in person since New Year's 2008, we danced around to "Total Eclipse of the Heart" and quoted a good portion of Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

But that isn't all. I'm roadtripping back to Atlanta with Erica when she drives down to Florida to start her internship in January. The big open road, excellent company, and more great music? Yes, please.



I'll have a lot on my plate when I get back to the States. School loan payments and unemployment. I'll have a lot to figure out. And there are some other special people I want to see and spend some quality time with. So much to do and think about. But Holland has definitely helped me transition from being a "thinker" to a "doer." I'm sniffing out opportunities, savoring my last week here, and looking forward to the next chapter in my life. Now, instead of Bruno Mars, I have Ferris stuck in my head.

Extra Special Adventure in Amsterdam 12.03.2010-12.05.2010

One of my favorite friends from high school, Caitlyn, visited Amsterdam this weekend. We hadn't seen each other since the Christmas of 2008, just before my family moved from Kansas to Georgia. Just before my time in India and about a year before Italy. Well, she arrived on Thursday and left Monday afternoon. I joined her Friday evening and left Sunday night. We stayed together at a hostel near Central Station, in a 20 bed mixed dorm full of boys. It smelled like dirty socks but we didn't mind too much. We were reunited in Amsterdam, of all places. She is currently an au pair in Italy. She also studied abroad in Florence but the semester before I was there. Deep down I think I always knew we'd meet up somewhere in Europe. And we did. And it was grand.



Thanksgiving Break 2008 - Back in the day when I dyed my hair dark. Going back to my natural blonde took a whole year after Italy.

Random Moments for those too lazy to read the full account
-Almost falling on our arses behind Westerkerk when we turned around to head back after seeing a long line at the Anne Frank House. It turns out that instead of a sidewalk beneath the snow it was all granite. Who in the world does that?
-Witnessing a guy pass out in the middle of a pizzeria. He was just standing there, on his way out, and suddenly fell. Completely unconscious with no apparent cause (though it isn't hard to guess why.) I don't think we moved an inch or took one breath from the moment he hit the floor to the moment his friend finally slapped him back to reality. Does that count as a near death experience?
-Listening to Giovanni Bassano sing and play guitar in Dam Square Sunday night. Some random guy came up and hugged Caitlyn. All weekend she had the hardest time finding her wallet in her purse when she reached the check-out but this time, to make sure he hadn't pick-pocketed her, it was the first thing she grabbed.
-Eavesdropping on a phone conversation a guy was having on the tram. "It is Filipe from Brazil! How are you, man!? It is so good to hear from you!" He really couldn't believe that Filipe was calling him from Brazil.
-Having a deep discussion in the hostel about the characters on True Blood and how the tv show differs from the books, which I haven't read yet but Caitlyn has.
-Swapping stories about everything and everyone imaginable. While walking in the cold or waiting in line or snuggled in the hostel or eating at Wok To Go. That is where we went Friday night and that is when the real talking and catching-up started.
-Movie quotes. Caitlyn is the only person I know who can rattle off any line from almost any movie at any given moment. I think the most quoted movie this weekend was 500 Days of Summer. "We're young. We live in one of the most beautiful cities in the world. Might as well have fun while we can and save the serious stuff for later."


Please click the link below for the full entry..

A Lesson in Independence - Part II

I've already touched on how important my family is to me and how I have amazing friends. I have already tried to explain that I like being independent but I have a new realization I would like to share with you.

When I was a kid I viewed holidays, specifically Christmas, very differently than I do now. Back then it was all about believing in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. It was about holidays being the special time of the year where magic was real. Now it is all about believing in love. It is about the real things in life that feel magical, like the time spent with family and friends.

I never realized how blessed I am to have such supportive parents and such unique little brothers until I moved away to college. In my teenage years I can't remember how many times I told my mom that as soon as I turned 18 I was going to move out. I couldn't wait to get away from her and have my own life. It was my hormones that made me say those things then but now when I tell her that I can't wait to come home again it is my heart speaking. At the beginning of my freshman year of college I told my family not to buy me anything for Christmas. They were paying for my school, that was enough. I told them that all I wanted was to just be with them for Christmas. Every year since I've had the same request. They always disobey and buy me the most thoughtful and meaningful gifts. I thought I knew the true meaning of Christmas.


Christmas in Georgia 2009

This year I was distraught over the possibility that I would return from Holland in a Christmas-time-crunch. My late arrival would mean that my parents would have to reschedule their plans of driving from Georgia to Minnesota to spend my brothers' school break with our extended family. Since my family moved to Georgia three years ago they haven't spent one Christmas with either side of their own families. I felt so guilty and sobbed on the phone to my dad telling him I was so sorry I was messing everything up. "I'll tell Grandma not to take down the Christmas tree until you get there. We don't have to celebrate Christmas on the 25th of December. We will celebrate it whenever we are together," he told me on the phone a few weeks back when I gushed about how awful I felt about not being able to come home even a day earlier. That was the reassurance I needed but it made me cry even harder.

I don't consider myself to be a humble person but I think I have some sort of complex where I don't feel like I deserve all the wonderful things I have. I tried to explain it to Brandy a few weeks ago. I know I can be very selfish sometimes but I never like asking for help. I always feel guilty when someone has to do something for me. Give me a ride somewhere. Wait for me. Even little things like hold the door for me if my hands are full. I don't know why but I just feel bad when people have to take time out of their day for me or have to change their plans for me. I hate being dependent on anyone, even the slightest bit. But I have learned now that depending on others doesn't make you weak. It gives you strength. Even on good days here I am homesick. I have stayed strong enough to this point because I have the support of others. Depending on their love doesn't mean I'm not strong and independent. It just means that I am wise enough to know that love is the most important thing you can ever give and ever receive.



So, I've learned a lot since I was a teenager. I've learned a lot since the days before I ever spent time abroad, immersed in a different culture. I think my experiences overseas have solidified my beliefs and have strengthened the most important relationships in my life. The perfect example happened about a month ago: I received a surprise package from a very good friend of mine that contained a framed picture of me and my friends on Halloween two years ago, before I left for my semester in Italy. The changes that have taken place for all of us since that crazy night are pretty momentous. However, when I look at that picture I still feel that one thing is the same - our bond. We still love spending time together. We still have the same sense of humor. We still have dreams and hopes and each other. I can't wait to see them again. I can't wait to go home. I can't wait to be able to properly reflect on my experiences here. I know that this is going to be the best Christmas of my entire life.