An Informal Treatise on Apperception and Assimilation - Part II

There is a commercial circulating the TV networks right now that makes me cringe. It is an advertisement for birth control and it implies that having children means you have less choices in life. Or not have a life of your own at all. But that isn't the point I want to make. Put it on mute. The women are walking through a store hand-picking the most major decisions most young adults face. They just reach out, pluck a house, significant other, graduate school diploma,and what not off the shelf and put it in their basket. As if it were all really that easy. I used to cringe whenever it came on but now I've graduated into some entry-level curses instead. I can't be the only person that is bothered by it but I think the fact that I now completely despise it holds a strong link to my re-entry experience.



I've provided an overview of my previous drama with re-entry and shared my first "ah-ha" moment this time around. Now, let's to get down to it. Here are the main components of reverse culture shock:

Feeling alienated. Any experience abroad, any encounter with the world no matter if it is just a glimpse, has an effect on a person's psyche. What one experiences abroad can never be fully relayed to others beyond the surface level. The returner can tell stories and the audience will listen politely, but no matter how genuinely interested they are there will be some sort of barrier. An invisible line separating the returner's experiences from their audience's understanding. It is no one's fault that this happens and of course sometimes it doesn't really matter. But it can also cause some angst. The returner can become easily wrapped up in thinking that no one understands. It is a little bit like being a teenager again. However, on the other side of the coin, this is why I will always have a special relationship with the people I met/befriended abroad. There is an unspoken understanding and connection between us that grew from our encounters and experiences abroad. I think it is human nature to want to connect with people and in terms of re-entry there is only a certain level of connection that can be achieved no matter the medium: picture slideshows, lectures, first-hand accounts, ect.

Frustration. The inability to relate to others upon return can lead to frustration. It can manifest itself in such a way that the returner might not realize it's true cause. It can take any length of time for the realization to occur or it could, in my case, only take a challenging yoga session. Just as I became frustrated at times because I couldn't understand the Dutch culture in certain instances, I now become similarly flustered and confused about things I am re-encountering in my home country. I question myself, second guess myself, and try to understand everything, which could really just be a personality trait but it certainly becomes a heightened issue during my period of adjustment.

Indecisiveness. This is another side effect of the frustration and/or the alienation. If you're confused then making decisions can be very difficult. For me, even the simple choice of which pair of shoes to wear can become overwhelming. If you lack definition then nothing really feels right. So far, what has really helped me in this area has been my close friends and family members. They force me to refocus. Brandy in particular because she knows me so well that in some strange way she has the ability to shift me into the right perspective on life. For others undergoing reverse culture shock I think it is important, despite the alienation that displaces them from those around them, to force oneself to spend time with significant people: a parent or spouse or sibling or best friend or mentor. People change and relationships change so those who have been through thick and thin with you or those who possess life-wisdom provide the ideal context for reorientation. They'll accept the returner and be open to what he/she is going through while providing support at the same time.

“It is paradoxical but true that something that takes you out of yourself also restores you to yourself with a greater freedom.”
—Every Day in Tuscany: Seasons of an Italian Life by Frances Mayes

Additional side effects include: withdrawal, a feeling of rootlessness, negativity, insecurity, and a need for excessive sleep. I had no idea that last one can be attributed to the re-entry experience until I did some reading online but in a way it makes perfect sense. I've been having multiple dreams a night nearly every night for almost a month now. I don't feel well-rested when I wake up even if I've gotten my full quota of sleeping hours. My subconscious is incredibly active, which is a good sign, but when I'm awake I'm still feeling that blankness. That neutral emptiness. It can only disappear with time so patience is one quality that returners need to foster within themselves during their period of adjustment.

Also while reading online, I've come across many suggestions on how to help make the transition easier. Get active in your community. Keep in contact with friends from abroad. Keep yourself busy with projects of varying importance. Some things might work better for certain people. I know what works for me. Journaling. Reading. Meditation. Jogging. I have myself on an easy-to-digest diet of all those things. The tricky part is determining how often and how hard to push myself. I think the returner should be aware of their resistance from the beginning. Embrace the "symptoms" at first so that they're not avoiding the heart of the matter later on.

Now can you see why I feel the way I do about that damn commercial? I know it is not a big deal. It is just a commercial. One minute. Just change the channel. Turn off the TV. I know, I know. The first time I saw it I wished that life really were like that but then I thought about it. The process of making a decision can have just as much (or more) of an effect on one's life than the actual outcome of the decision. Nothing in life is ever easy and that is for a good reason. The more you have to endure and experience, the more you learn. I did my research about becoming an au pair but nothing could have sufficiently prepared me for those six months. I went over there wanting to discover myself. There are probably easier, less costly, ways for me to have done that but it was a one-of-a-kind experience. As cheesy as it sounds, I'm a changed person. I wouldn't be if life was really like that commercial. Yes, it would be nice to just strap a trip to Paris to the roof of my car and be gone but it is the process, the experience, the getting-there that has weight as well. It takes time to build the life you want. It takes time to readjust. I'm still learning things about myself that I don't think I ever would have discovered in any other setting. I'll always have that wanderlust and that thirst for adventure but right now I need to settle into this new life. This new me.