An Informal Treatise on Apperception and Assimilation - Part II

There is a commercial circulating the TV networks right now that makes me cringe. It is an advertisement for birth control and it implies that having children means you have less choices in life. Or not have a life of your own at all. But that isn't the point I want to make. Put it on mute. The women are walking through a store hand-picking the most major decisions most young adults face. They just reach out, pluck a house, significant other, graduate school diploma,and what not off the shelf and put it in their basket. As if it were all really that easy. I used to cringe whenever it came on but now I've graduated into some entry-level curses instead. I can't be the only person that is bothered by it but I think the fact that I now completely despise it holds a strong link to my re-entry experience.



I've provided an overview of my previous drama with re-entry and shared my first "ah-ha" moment this time around. Now, let's to get down to it. Here are the main components of reverse culture shock:

Feeling alienated. Any experience abroad, any encounter with the world no matter if it is just a glimpse, has an effect on a person's psyche. What one experiences abroad can never be fully relayed to others beyond the surface level. The returner can tell stories and the audience will listen politely, but no matter how genuinely interested they are there will be some sort of barrier. An invisible line separating the returner's experiences from their audience's understanding. It is no one's fault that this happens and of course sometimes it doesn't really matter. But it can also cause some angst. The returner can become easily wrapped up in thinking that no one understands. It is a little bit like being a teenager again. However, on the other side of the coin, this is why I will always have a special relationship with the people I met/befriended abroad. There is an unspoken understanding and connection between us that grew from our encounters and experiences abroad. I think it is human nature to want to connect with people and in terms of re-entry there is only a certain level of connection that can be achieved no matter the medium: picture slideshows, lectures, first-hand accounts, ect.

Frustration. The inability to relate to others upon return can lead to frustration. It can manifest itself in such a way that the returner might not realize it's true cause. It can take any length of time for the realization to occur or it could, in my case, only take a challenging yoga session. Just as I became frustrated at times because I couldn't understand the Dutch culture in certain instances, I now become similarly flustered and confused about things I am re-encountering in my home country. I question myself, second guess myself, and try to understand everything, which could really just be a personality trait but it certainly becomes a heightened issue during my period of adjustment.

Indecisiveness. This is another side effect of the frustration and/or the alienation. If you're confused then making decisions can be very difficult. For me, even the simple choice of which pair of shoes to wear can become overwhelming. If you lack definition then nothing really feels right. So far, what has really helped me in this area has been my close friends and family members. They force me to refocus. Brandy in particular because she knows me so well that in some strange way she has the ability to shift me into the right perspective on life. For others undergoing reverse culture shock I think it is important, despite the alienation that displaces them from those around them, to force oneself to spend time with significant people: a parent or spouse or sibling or best friend or mentor. People change and relationships change so those who have been through thick and thin with you or those who possess life-wisdom provide the ideal context for reorientation. They'll accept the returner and be open to what he/she is going through while providing support at the same time.

“It is paradoxical but true that something that takes you out of yourself also restores you to yourself with a greater freedom.”
—Every Day in Tuscany: Seasons of an Italian Life by Frances Mayes

Additional side effects include: withdrawal, a feeling of rootlessness, negativity, insecurity, and a need for excessive sleep. I had no idea that last one can be attributed to the re-entry experience until I did some reading online but in a way it makes perfect sense. I've been having multiple dreams a night nearly every night for almost a month now. I don't feel well-rested when I wake up even if I've gotten my full quota of sleeping hours. My subconscious is incredibly active, which is a good sign, but when I'm awake I'm still feeling that blankness. That neutral emptiness. It can only disappear with time so patience is one quality that returners need to foster within themselves during their period of adjustment.

Also while reading online, I've come across many suggestions on how to help make the transition easier. Get active in your community. Keep in contact with friends from abroad. Keep yourself busy with projects of varying importance. Some things might work better for certain people. I know what works for me. Journaling. Reading. Meditation. Jogging. I have myself on an easy-to-digest diet of all those things. The tricky part is determining how often and how hard to push myself. I think the returner should be aware of their resistance from the beginning. Embrace the "symptoms" at first so that they're not avoiding the heart of the matter later on.

Now can you see why I feel the way I do about that damn commercial? I know it is not a big deal. It is just a commercial. One minute. Just change the channel. Turn off the TV. I know, I know. The first time I saw it I wished that life really were like that but then I thought about it. The process of making a decision can have just as much (or more) of an effect on one's life than the actual outcome of the decision. Nothing in life is ever easy and that is for a good reason. The more you have to endure and experience, the more you learn. I did my research about becoming an au pair but nothing could have sufficiently prepared me for those six months. I went over there wanting to discover myself. There are probably easier, less costly, ways for me to have done that but it was a one-of-a-kind experience. As cheesy as it sounds, I'm a changed person. I wouldn't be if life was really like that commercial. Yes, it would be nice to just strap a trip to Paris to the roof of my car and be gone but it is the process, the experience, the getting-there that has weight as well. It takes time to build the life you want. It takes time to readjust. I'm still learning things about myself that I don't think I ever would have discovered in any other setting. I'll always have that wanderlust and that thirst for adventure but right now I need to settle into this new life. This new me.

An Informal Treatise on Apperception and Assimilation - Part I

On Wednesday, for the first time in my entire life, I almost walked out of a yoga class. There wasn't a flow and the instructor, Glenn, had a very odd idea of ambiance: Phil Collins and James Brown. I have nothing against Phil but I just don't find his compositions particularly conducive to yoga. And I suppose I can understand where Glenn was coming from with James because he is, after all, the King of Soul and yoga goes to those depths as well. However, it seemed too forced to have "I Feel Good" playing while we moved into our salutation series. Then, "Sex Machine" came on and the ridiculousness really got to me. My mental and physical spheres were completely disjointed. I had no sense of balance. I was in pain and that damn music was contributing to my frustration. So, I almost rolled up my mat and left. I wasn't the only one. A few people did just that but something made me stay. It got worse before it got better but I stuck it out. Yoga is not about giving up.

Just before our cool down we did a few challenges. The first was a full backbend. I hesitantly bent my knees, lined up my feet and palms, and took a few deep breaths. I was going to do it just to spite Glenn but I didn't think I would be able to hold it very long. I was stiff, tired, and annoyed but I pushed up anyways. It hurt like hell but my navel kept pulling towards the ceiling. Towards the sky. Glenn had changed the music to "The Ride of the Valkyries." What a cruel sense of humor but it actually matched perfectly as my hips, back, and shoulders rose up in an arch. Suddenly, I felt a surge of strength. So, instead of complaining to myself about how stupid the music is or how un-instructive and insensitive Glenn was being, I let myself go. I gave in to the pain and it disappeared. My overactive ego shut up and all I could feel were my hands and feet grounded into the floor. Blood rushing into my head. And that mysterious strength keeping my navel steady. When it was time (but with no idea how much time had passed), I came out of the pose and Glenn told us to move into a headstand if we were comfortable doing so. I knew for sure that I wasn't going to be able to do a full one but I set myself the goal of building up my strength and balance over the next few weeks so that I would be able to do one. I set myself a goal.


Image from the movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall. If you don't mind profanity watch the full scene here otherwise enjoy the censored version above.

A few more stretches later, as we all relaxed into corpse pose, Glenn finally got something right when he put on Bob Marley. (Even though it made me feel a short pang of memory because Bob reminds me of my au pair friends back in Holland.) Before we were dismissed Glenn reminded us that the word of the day was "playful." I was a few minutes late to class so I missed that, which would have probably made me open up earlier on. I was taking everything too seriously when my only task was to be playful and light.

In the introduction post I outlined some of the aspects of reverse culture shock: alienation, frustration, negativity, restlessness, uncertainty, and so on. I'm going through all of that right now but unlike last time, when I came back from Italy, my realization moments are happening sooner rather than later. I realized during yoga class (instead of after) that I had been projecting all my frustration with myself onto Glenn. I couldn't balance or concentrate because I was being stubborn. In fact, I wasn't even trying. I was just expecting to blend back into yoga even though it had been months since I last did a full session. When Glenn told us to hop or step from forward fold into plank I stepped back every time. I know I can't just jump right back into life again after so many months away. It is okay that I'm not ready to do a handstand right now. I need to build myself up to it. I need to reconnect. I need to be patient. Besides, most of the time the only person holding me back is myself. I did my best back bend after I told myself to just let go. My life may seem upside down right now, but I have a goal and once I rise up into that headstand I think everything will start turning right side up again. With my feet in the air and head on the ground I might gain some clarity. It is reverse culture shock after all. Also, unlike last time when I came back from Italy, I'm not going to let myself be stubborn. I'm not going to be so hard on myself and those around me. I'm going to be a bit more playful.

An Informal Treatise on Apperception and Assimilation: An Introduction

I made it back to the US. For the first two weeks I was still living out of a suitcase and going on adventures but I'm home now in Georgia. There's been some snow and ice in these parts so everyone has been cooped up inside these past few days. What better time for me to finally sit down and blog?

I've written about some fairly personal things on here already but I think that this topic really digs deep. This is something that I've really only been open about with just a few people.



When I returned to Gustavus the fall semester of my senior year, after having studied abroad in Italy for four months, I had a very difficult time getting back into the academic and social atmosphere of college. I felt very distant from my peers. I even felt like I no longer connected with my closest friends. I couldn't verbalize what I was going through. I didn't understand why the things and people that once made me so happy could barely get me out of bed in the mornings. I don't think I was depressed - I just felt blank. I didn't feel happy or sad. I didn't feel anything. I attributed this to the fact that I fell in love with Florence and that my ultimate joy in life meant I had to go back there. That everything else paled in comparison. That I no longer belonged at Gustavus. But no one can ever go back. The life I had and the person I was at Gustavus before I went to Italy no longer existed. And when I return to Florence some day I'll be a different person than I was when I studied there.

That semester at Gustavus I was enrolled in a creative non-fiction writing course. I've always loved writing and it has always been the one constant in my life. But, at first, I hated going to that class. I was so lost but I was purposely holding myself back. I was being incredibly stubborn and selfish by not allowing myself to contemplate the effect Italy had had on me because that would put me in the present moment. It would make the line between my time in Italy and my current situation visible and almost tangible. It would mean accepting that I had left Italy and was back at Gustavus. I didn't want to let go and assimilate into the new, post-Italy chapter of my life. In leaving Italy and returning for my final year at Gustavus, I felt like I had taken a huge step backward when all I wanted to do was move forward. I had seen just how big and beautiful the world is – I didn't want to spend the next nine months in a college campus, writing papers, eating at a cafeteria, and living in a cramped dorm room. It turns out that the root of all that was actually reverse culture shock and I had no idea until I started that writing class. It became the mechanism for coping with the reverse culture shock because it forced me to look inside myself. Fiction is my element but I signed up for that class with the intention of challenging myself. Throughout the course of the semester, all the readings and class exercises, especially those based in the memoir genre, chipped away the layers of resistance I had built. In the beginning, I wanted to avoid any and all memoir based exercises because I don't like sharing anything about myself. This blog is testament that my comfort level with that has since changed.

For the final portfolio I set myself up to write pieces that were very personal. Again, I wanted to challenge myself. By this time I was aware of how the class was subtly helping me through my adjustment issues. So, I wanted my portfolio to represent a journey. The writing pieces included in the portfolio represented a quest: personal, intellectual, and spiritual. The most important piece in the portfolio was a travel journal, “L'amore dell'Italia (For the Love of Italy.)" I used the journal structure so that it felt intimate. I don't want the reader to feel like an outsider, or be disconnected from my experiences. I wanted to bring them to feel as though they had been there with me. Writing for that class was very painful but beautiful. And to have others read and provide feedback was the best form of therapy for me. It also just so happened that the last day of that class was the same day I turned my honors thesis in to the Classics department. Since I was so lost I avoided most social functions and poured my time into writing that thesis. I even picked a topic related to what I studied in Italy. I couldn't let go of Italy so I wrote something like 35 pages and when I turned it in I felt like I could finally start moving on.

The next semester I took a senior seminar class centered on the theme of identity. It was the perfect continuation in the "healing" process. We read various books about other people's search for self and we incorporated zen philosophy/meditation. Almost a year after I returned to Italy, I was finally myself again. I felt whole. And those past few weeks of school were nothing short of amazing. I reconnected on a deeper level with all my old friends. I made amazing connections with new friends. I was living in the moment instead of dwelling on the past or letting myself become too overwhelmed by the uncertainty of my future.

Now that I am on the other side of my experience in Holland, it is time for me to begin the assimilation process all over again. I know it will be very different from the last time I had to go through this. For one, I am not clinging to the elements of my life in Holland like I did with Italy. I was already mentally preparing myself before I left Holland because I had a pretty good idea what I would face when I returned to US soil. Secondly, I don't have the same outlets like classes and assigned reading. I have to be the one to set up a curriculum. But it hasn't taken me as long to realize and accept that I have changed.

To be continued...