On Wednesday, for the first time in my entire life, I almost walked out of a yoga class. There wasn't a flow and the instructor, Glenn, had a very odd idea of ambiance: Phil Collins and James Brown. I have nothing against Phil but I just don't find his compositions particularly conducive to yoga. And I suppose I can understand where Glenn was coming from with James because he is, after all, the King of Soul and yoga goes to those depths as well. However, it seemed too forced to have "I Feel Good" playing while we moved into our salutation series. Then, "Sex Machine" came on and the ridiculousness really got to me. My mental and physical spheres were completely disjointed. I had no sense of balance. I was in pain and that damn music was contributing to my frustration. So, I almost rolled up my mat and left. I wasn't the only one. A few people did just that but something made me stay. It got worse before it got better but I stuck it out. Yoga is not about giving up.
Just before our cool down we did a few challenges. The first was a full backbend. I hesitantly bent my knees, lined up my feet and palms, and took a few deep breaths. I was going to do it just to spite Glenn but I didn't think I would be able to hold it very long. I was stiff, tired, and annoyed but I pushed up anyways. It hurt like hell but my navel kept pulling towards the ceiling. Towards the sky. Glenn had changed the music to "The Ride of the Valkyries." What a cruel sense of humor but it actually matched perfectly as my hips, back, and shoulders rose up in an arch. Suddenly, I felt a surge of strength. So, instead of complaining to myself about how stupid the music is or how un-instructive and insensitive Glenn was being, I let myself go. I gave in to the pain and it disappeared. My overactive ego shut up and all I could feel were my hands and feet grounded into the floor. Blood rushing into my head. And that mysterious strength keeping my navel steady. When it was time (but with no idea how much time had passed), I came out of the pose and Glenn told us to move into a headstand if we were comfortable doing so. I knew for sure that I wasn't going to be able to do a full one but I set myself the goal of building up my strength and balance over the next few weeks so that I would be able to do one. I set myself a goal.
Image from the movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall. If you don't mind profanity watch the full scene here otherwise enjoy the censored version above.
A few more stretches later, as we all relaxed into corpse pose, Glenn finally got something right when he put on Bob Marley. (Even though it made me feel a short pang of memory because Bob reminds me of my au pair friends back in Holland.) Before we were dismissed Glenn reminded us that the word of the day was "playful." I was a few minutes late to class so I missed that, which would have probably made me open up earlier on. I was taking everything too seriously when my only task was to be playful and light.
In the introduction post I outlined some of the aspects of reverse culture shock: alienation, frustration, negativity, restlessness, uncertainty, and so on. I'm going through all of that right now but unlike last time, when I came back from Italy, my realization moments are happening sooner rather than later. I realized during yoga class (instead of after) that I had been projecting all my frustration with myself onto Glenn. I couldn't balance or concentrate because
I was being stubborn. In fact, I wasn't even trying. I was just expecting to blend back into yoga even though it had been months since I last did a full session. When Glenn told us to hop or step from forward fold into plank I stepped back every time. I know I can't just jump right back into life again after so many months away. It is okay that I'm not ready to do a handstand right now. I need to build myself up to it. I need to reconnect. I need to be patient. Besides, most of the time the only person holding me back is myself. I did my best back bend after I told myself to just let go. My life may seem upside down right now, but I have a goal and once I rise up into that headstand I think everything will start turning right side up again. With my feet in the air and head on the ground I might gain some clarity. It is
reverse culture shock after all. Also, unlike last time when I came back from Italy, I'm not going to let myself be stubborn. I'm not going to be so hard on myself and those around me. I'm going to be a bit more playful.
