I was always pretty candid about one of my struggles (homesickness) but I never explained or even alluded to the main struggle. The root of the homesickness issue. What made life there so difficult that I wanted to leave by September. I was desperate but somehow I stayed and survived. Even though it has taken me all this time to not be resentful. Even though it taken me all this time to feel comfortable about talking about it at length with people other than close friends and family.
First, I'm no longer feeling reverse culture shock. Though, as you'll soon see, it was more of a reverse lifestyle shock than culture. Second, I encountered other au pair stories where the experience was less than positive for the au pair. I'm not alone! One of my favorite professors told me about his wife being an au pair in Sweden when she was about my age. Her experience was similar to my own on such basic levels that I figure what happened with her and what happened with me is more common than I ever thought. It was not until he shared that with me that I started to let go of the guilt I felt. I felt like I was the one who failed. I was embarrassed at how things turned out and avoided telling people the truth unless I knew they would understand. Seriously, I was crippled by guilt and insecurity for months after getting back from Holland. I felt guilty for every feeling I had in Holland and every feeling I had afterwards. I felt guilty because I felt like I had somehow let those around me down. That I had let myself down. Then I realized that life is always a two way street. In terms of experiences - any experience abroad (au pair or not) is what you make of it. But in the case of an au pair the equally responsible party is the host family.
By nature I am a positive person so you can imagine how it was an endless cycle of guilt when I was not being positive and felt like I had failed. I felt guilty for failing. I felt guilty for feeling guilty. I felt guilty for not being positive. And it would go on and on that way. Especially so since I firmly believe in choices and character and free love. As Dumbledore says, "It is our choices Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities." I didn't make the choices I know now I should have made then. But I also don't believe in regret. It is a waste of time. I can't change the past. I only have control over the present moment. I have a choice in every present moment that can change everything. Just before I left for Holland I lived my life based on that principle and wonderful things were happening. I still believe in that philosophy so I'm going to start living in the moment again. Because lately I've spent too much time thinking either about the past or about the future.
To be more specific, this blog entry "Not a Cinderella Story: My Misadventures Au Pairing in Switzerland" is what pushed me to making a decision about sharing my full story. That is probably why I haven't been posting here anymore. I was avoiding it because deep down I knew I'd have to confess. It may have taken me this long to let go of all my resentment and feel grateful for the entire experience as a whole regardless of the negatives but I am grateful. And I'm ready. I still need to fall back in love with myself, which I think has already started happening in this beautiful Dixie summer. And part of the process is being honest. Being open.
That is what I have to say now and soon I'll tell the rest.
