A Lesson in Independence - Part II

I've already touched on how important my family is to me and how I have amazing friends. I have already tried to explain that I like being independent but I have a new realization I would like to share with you.

When I was a kid I viewed holidays, specifically Christmas, very differently than I do now. Back then it was all about believing in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. It was about holidays being the special time of the year where magic was real. Now it is all about believing in love. It is about the real things in life that feel magical, like the time spent with family and friends.

I never realized how blessed I am to have such supportive parents and such unique little brothers until I moved away to college. In my teenage years I can't remember how many times I told my mom that as soon as I turned 18 I was going to move out. I couldn't wait to get away from her and have my own life. It was my hormones that made me say those things then but now when I tell her that I can't wait to come home again it is my heart speaking. At the beginning of my freshman year of college I told my family not to buy me anything for Christmas. They were paying for my school, that was enough. I told them that all I wanted was to just be with them for Christmas. Every year since I've had the same request. They always disobey and buy me the most thoughtful and meaningful gifts. I thought I knew the true meaning of Christmas.


Christmas in Georgia 2009

This year I was distraught over the possibility that I would return from Holland in a Christmas-time-crunch. My late arrival would mean that my parents would have to reschedule their plans of driving from Georgia to Minnesota to spend my brothers' school break with our extended family. Since my family moved to Georgia three years ago they haven't spent one Christmas with either side of their own families. I felt so guilty and sobbed on the phone to my dad telling him I was so sorry I was messing everything up. "I'll tell Grandma not to take down the Christmas tree until you get there. We don't have to celebrate Christmas on the 25th of December. We will celebrate it whenever we are together," he told me on the phone a few weeks back when I gushed about how awful I felt about not being able to come home even a day earlier. That was the reassurance I needed but it made me cry even harder.

I don't consider myself to be a humble person but I think I have some sort of complex where I don't feel like I deserve all the wonderful things I have. I tried to explain it to Brandy a few weeks ago. I know I can be very selfish sometimes but I never like asking for help. I always feel guilty when someone has to do something for me. Give me a ride somewhere. Wait for me. Even little things like hold the door for me if my hands are full. I don't know why but I just feel bad when people have to take time out of their day for me or have to change their plans for me. I hate being dependent on anyone, even the slightest bit. But I have learned now that depending on others doesn't make you weak. It gives you strength. Even on good days here I am homesick. I have stayed strong enough to this point because I have the support of others. Depending on their love doesn't mean I'm not strong and independent. It just means that I am wise enough to know that love is the most important thing you can ever give and ever receive.



So, I've learned a lot since I was a teenager. I've learned a lot since the days before I ever spent time abroad, immersed in a different culture. I think my experiences overseas have solidified my beliefs and have strengthened the most important relationships in my life. The perfect example happened about a month ago: I received a surprise package from a very good friend of mine that contained a framed picture of me and my friends on Halloween two years ago, before I left for my semester in Italy. The changes that have taken place for all of us since that crazy night are pretty momentous. However, when I look at that picture I still feel that one thing is the same - our bond. We still love spending time together. We still have the same sense of humor. We still have dreams and hopes and each other. I can't wait to see them again. I can't wait to go home. I can't wait to be able to properly reflect on my experiences here. I know that this is going to be the best Christmas of my entire life.

Goedemorgen, winter.

Last night I had a strange dream. A mysterious guy gave me a ride to the train station in a big black SUV with tinted windows. I think he was my bodyguard. My brother, Seth, was waiting there for me. When we got into Amsterdam we got on the wrong tram and had to get off and walk in the opposite direction. Justin Bieber joined us and we made our way towards Rembrandtplein to check in to Hotel Atlanta, which I discovered last weekend. Then I woke up. The clock said 8:10. Why was I up that early on a Saturday? I checked the weather online to make sure it wouldn't snow but I couldn't get back to sleep. Justin Bieber was in my dream. Weird. But not so weird because my other brother, Owen, has hair that looks exactly like that of the teeny bopper icon, except it is not as well conditioned.



I believe this dream has to do with a recent event - I know when I'll be going home. I'll be leaving Holland on December 23rd and arriving in Atlanta late that night. It won't be fun getting crammed in so close to Christmas, especially when my family's plans for the holiday include traveling. The night I booked the flight, Seth and I had a real heart-to-heart on Skype. We ganged up on Owen, telling him to cut his hair or forever face the embarrassment of looking back at his middle school portraits with regret.

Now it is 9:37am. The canal behind the house is frozen. I need to buy some boots. I need to start buying Christmas presents. I have only 3 1/2 weeks left here. Maybe I should get out of bed.

Edit: It is snowing.

Home is wherever I'm with you

I have a best friend named Brandy. We've been friends for something like ten years. Our story is a long one but it is amazing. I won't share it with you now but you'll just have to trust me on that last point. I've posted about her before on my other blog but she asked me why I haven't mentioned her on this blog yet. That is a fair question. I have her listed in the Cast of Characters but that is not enough. Especially since she has been a huge part of my life abroad. Also, the word "friend" is not enough. We're sisters, not by blood but by love.



Brandy has a summer birthday. I was born in the winter. Brandy is an artist. I like to write. Brandy lives in Kansas City with her fiancé. I'm in the Netherlands taking care of two adorable Dutch children. The list goes on. We couldn't be more different but that is why we're so close. We compliment each other in every way. She is the only person with whom I can spend significant amounts of time without loosing my mind. I mean, we do drive each other crazy at times but even our craziness is complimentary.

Of course, our friendship isn't perfect. After high school we took separate paths. I moved out-of-state for college and she started classes at the Kansas City Art Institute. The last time we saw each other in person was New Years 2007. The years following we slowly stopped talking to each other. We'd forget to return phone calls or just didn't have the time to keep the other updated. We were living completely different lives.

But then I think we grew up enough to realize that we had no real excuse for neglecting such a wonderful connection. When her boyfriend proposed she called me and told me the whole story. I think that was the catalyst for us to reconnect. And then she found an old notebook we used to write in to each other back in high school. She mailed it to me a few days before my graduation. We decided that it was time to get back into the swing of being "us" again. Then, when I arrived in the Netherlands, we started Skyping. With all the changes and challenges in each of our lives, our almost daily conversations have become a saving grace.

One night we spent hours going through poems by our favorite poet, trying to find the perfect line to use as a title for a blog we wanted to create together. The idea came when I complained about having to write and write in our notebook about all sorts of things and that I wouldn't be able to mail it until I returned to the States. I didn't want to wait that long to have her reply. Our blog has been up and running since September. It is the online version of the notebook. We both check it daily to see if the other has posted. Whether it is funny videos, favorite quotes, or long ramblings about all the thoughts floating around in our sometimes joyful, sometimes dark minds. It is keeping us sane and on the same page. However, one of my favorite aspects of the blog is that we use it to share music.

We've collected a lot of theme songs over the years. Now, about every week days we share music with each other. A single song or an entire playlist. It is fantastic to find out that she is in love with a song that I too love just as much. It serves as proof that we're still connected despite everything. Well, the song below came from her but we're both in love with it. It's our theme song now and it is perfect.



Although we've gone through completely different life experiences these past few years (and especially these past few months) it is amazing that we've learned the similar lessons about life, love, and ourselves. The overarching realization has been that home is not a place. It is a feeling. So, even though we're something like 4,493.26 miles apart, whenever we're on Skype it feels like we're sitting right next to each other. Just like the good ol' days where we'd lock ourselves in her room and read Harry Potter for days at a time. Or when we'd sit in my basement for hours taking turns playing The Sims. We could be completely zoned out, multitasking, or talking to someone else but we're still together. And when I'm with her I feel like I'm home.

To build a home

Tuesday was my first day in Holland. Thursday was my first day as an au pair. Even if I say those facts out loud it still doesn't seem like my life. Even though I'm learning quickly this doesn't feel like my life yet.

To think, in less than 24 hours I went from a messy room and empty suitcases to a chilly room and three nearly full suitcases.



So, during the past five days I have had to adjust to life in another country as well as life with a family different than my own. It has been exhausting on so many differnt levels but I'm surviving. I've taken to observing and listening - two things I think I am pretty good at.

I observe how things are done or handled around the house and with the children. I listen closely to what they say in Dutch even though I don't understand any of it. Dutch is very new to my years. The only other languages I've been exposed to, aside from English, are French and Italian. With my years of Latin I am far more comfortable being around Italian, even if I am not fluent in speaking and can only understand enough to get buy on a day-to-day basis. But Dutch sounds so different. I am getting better at grasping the gist of things.

Anna sat down with me the night before I started with the children and I wrote down some words she thought I should know. Example:
dicht - close
meer - more
heerlijk - delicious
Ik doe het - I do it
The last one is used most often by Reinhilde (2). She is entering the terrible two's phase so she wants to do everything herself.

Other than just figuring things out I've found the children's daily diet of Sesame Street (Sesam Straat) to be most helpful. I speak in English to them, which fortunately Ruben (4) understands. Usually I can get them to repeat words back to me but for now I'm concentrating on the basics like "please" and "thank you." However, Ruben's favorite phrase is "you're being silly" which I said to him the first day or so and he thinks its hilarious to yell it back at me.

Which brings me to my best mechanism: humor. Not only is it wonderful to hear the children laughing (or giggling in Reinhilde's case) but it helps them feel comfortable around me. It has been working so far. The afternoon Robin and Anna commented that the children have such great chemistry with me which is unusual so soon. I was flattered, of course, and I hope that I can keep up being on their good side. It takes a lot of energy and patience to be an au pair.

Yesterday we went to Purmerend and Edam. Today we went into Amsterdam. However, the adapter I brought over does not work on my Macbook so I can't upload pictures until I get a different adapter. An entry about this weekend shall have to wait.

And that is why I'm keeping this post on the short side. Plus, I'm not settled enough yet to really write about daily life and what not. Of course there are little things I already know I'm feeling - a sense of homesickness and the like but I'm going to move on from that soon. For now, I'm exhausted and Italy is playing in the Cup. It's time to take a little break and watch my boys.